I felt like writing this. I'm not sure why. Maybe to perhaps get it out of my head. There are thoughts that I have and don't really like thinking about, but they are there. Sometimes are very difficult to keep away. They can be downright sadistic sometimes and nobody understands that better than me. Like I said, there are thoughts that I have that I don't like to think about. So I go through some feelings in this that are not particularly pretty to say the least, just as a forewarning
But also if anyone is ever curious on what depression, anxiety, and psychosis shit sounds like. This would be it, for me personally anyway. I am officially diagnosed with Aspergers, Depression, Bi-Polar, and Psychosis, just in case you wondered. These are the kind of things I hear when my most darkest moments are prevalant. What I go through when my sicknesses take hold. This is merely a sampling of it.
I'm not trying to write this to be all 'poor little me'. That's not my intent. Although to honestly admit and I'm sure you'll find it to be obvious, dealing with these illnesses is not fun. And of course I'm not the only person who deals with them. But I do deal with them, and they have broken me down time and time again. But if anything after reading this, I can only hope someone can perhaps understand what's it like dealing with this crap. Mental illnesses are still very misunderstood, I hope this will bring you closer to seeing it from the eye of someone who lives with them.
Thanks. Creep creep, look who's creeping?
Look, if you're gonna come down here you might as well let me out. You can't keep me in here, I'm your nature. This is what you are.
Embrace this part of you. You know the gratification you get when you think of brutally torturing some greedy banker. Slamming a hatchet into the skull of some pharma CEO. Exploding the head of a corrupt politician.Setting fire to a trigger happy cop. Sodomizing rapists with machete's.
They're regret their actions if you hold them to it. They're spineless freaks. Criminals who own the system and work directly for it. They're scum, they're nothing but evil, and they deserve the worst.
You know that's true.
Keep telling yourself about how murder is wrong. Keep reminding yourself about how it's against your moral compass.
If you murder, you're just as evil you accuse them of being.
That's not true. You can kill people for the right reasons. Maiming the people who commit the absolute worst to mankind are certainly worthy of it. Hitler deserved it, right? He deserved what he got. So has any rapist or child molester, they had it coming.
You should be the one. You should kill them. You'll be a hero. You will be a legend. Saving the world from evil by killing one disgusting pig at a time.
Shove a gun into their face as they cry out in regretful agony. Reminding them to make better choices in their next life.
Force them to stare into the barrel of a gun and ask them "Was all the money worth it?" You know, they'll say no. Because they're cowards.
Hatred is the weapon of the weak...
You've lost your fucking skull. Can you really expect to keep this up. Stop being so fucking pretentious and just give in, already. Let your anger out, the world will cower to it. They can't expect to match you.
And even if you go to prison, so what? You'll at least rule there. And if you could rule in prison, that's a pretty good sign of how truly godlike you really are.
This is where you should be. Feeling that burning desire for destroying the wrong side of the world. Humanity will thank you, maybe not right away but certainly later.
You'd have shown them that the world is better without these people. Fucking do it. Murder is right in this instance.
That's not right. It's not the answer.
Yeah, you're right. Just let it go. Live your stupid, pointless life and die in regret as the world torches itself aflame.
Continue to watch everyone destroy everything thing you know. That'll be better. Just hide from it all.
You'll die alone, angry, and with nothing to show in life and nobody to remember you. That's your life. That is how it will end.
You're too undisciplined, you're too talentless, you're a fraud, and you're a joke. Everyone will forget you and all the work you've done will dwindle into the forgotten. It will be all for not. I guarantee you and you know it's true as well.
Keep pretending you'll get somewhere in life. You won't. Your art sucks. It's terrible. Nobody likes it and nobody sees it because it's not worth seeing. Do you understand?
And anyone who tells you they like it... it's a fucking ruse. They're either humoring you or don't have the heart to be honest. They all hate it. They think it's boring. They don't care to see it. And you keep shoving it into their face as if they give a shit.
I'm going to get better. I'm going to have a good and fulfilling life. Live it with love and happiness.
Keep dreaming, sunshine. You're wasting your time. You'll never be anything. You were never meant to be something. You are merely a single person in existence who will also be forgotten like every one else. Leaving nothing behind. You mean nothing, you are nothing. Get... the fuck... over it.
I don't need to 'leave a mark'. I just want to create what I want to create. And even if only 1 person loves it, that will make me happy. I used to feel I needed to make a mark but now... I just want to create.
Is this new? When did this fake ass answer come to you? Who did you hear it from. Cause it's most certainly not your own idea. You're too stupid for that. None of your ideas are original. You're a fake. A phony. You are a worthless piece of shit who's not even worth spitting at.
You've been fucked your entire life. You were meant to be fucked. Life is working against and guess what? Life always wins. You're too weak, retarded, and straight ill equipped to handle life with any kind of success. You're a charity case at best.
You are a delusional fuck. You can't do shit if your life depended on it. You're ugly as sin and no amount of proper diet, excersize, grooming, or even self confidence will take that away. You're too neurotic to function to any kind of reasonable expectation. You are a dust mite in the attic of nothingness. You are shit.
That's the fucking thing, I'm not wrong. This is what your own mind tells you. This is how you are on the inside. There's nothing wrong about that. How can your inner most self be but a figment?
This is just you being honest with yourself. This is how it should be. You can't escape this charade forever. The doors will open again and you will see it. It always comes back and it does because it's the truth. You can't run from the truth. And the truth is... you are worthless and your life is worthless.
If you kill yourself... it wouldn't be a bad thing. You'd only let go of the pain that you constantly feel deep inside. Let go.
You know you want to.